ya hi. it may be long, so if u dun wanna read, i respect that. if u want to and get offended, im not sorry. i just wanna let this all out and get it over with. any opinions pls msn or tag my board.

For max,pat,xiew, shawn: thanks for all the good stuff u told mi during my poly life.

for jon, dan, jerm, jas: thanks for all the gaming company provided. i sucked yea but at least u guys stuck by and taught mi stuff

for cheryl, wendy tan, wnedy tsai, stephanie : thats for all the concern and advice, id probably would have been dead sooner if it werent for you 3 especially

for gary: thanks.. for nothing. [ no offence for attacking u specifically, i have my reasons, but i prefer not to tell em now]

and finally for Mr Wallace Lim: thanks for ur advice during apel. although our lives in sec+pri and poly were almost the same, id prolly be lucky if my future ended up half as good.

'Remember you are unique. Just like everyone else' - Anon.


it was once said that if u were you were yourself, youd actually be better off than who u pretend to be. now there are 2 problems with this. 1) without examples, youd have nothing to be. so techinically if you were to be yourself, you would have seen someone do something and then do it. so in actual fact you're still copyin someone. and 2) if i were to be myself, i sure as heck would lose all my frens, and be shunned by everyone. it would be like secondary school all over. and in secondary sch i did try to cover myself up abit. so even if half of mi wasnt nice enuff any1, can u imagine the results of being totally myself?

My name is Sivam

im 19 but dammit i feel like 30. i learnt that my future is creeping up on mi and at this rate, i wont get a job, or be able to continue my studies. i have no funding, or intelligence to comprehend anything. i am stupid poor bastard. i know. u happy? i have low self esteem, low morale and let mi tell u, u guys are not helping.

i love reading sci-fi, joke books, anyhting on astrology, mythology, philosophy, astromony and online comics. i love comics, like calvin and hobbes, foxtrot, get fuzzy, baby blues and dilbert. they open a world to mi, a world where people are just normal, not like wierdos here. it may be fiction. but yea it feels good. The far Side by gary larson also opens a world where a new strain of hunour is understandable and it makes mi feel good inside. although temporarily

my taste in songs is probably different than most. i love rock. i absolutely love rock. gimme a rolling stones album and i would be content. the beatles, the eagles, the beegees, the rolling stones, billy idol and billy joel, eric clapton, led zepplin, pink floyd, and other famous rockers and bands. they are just amazing. music these fays, its just too funky, and before, ppl invested in something called 'unoffending lyrics.'

tv wise, i love comedies, british ones especially. medical series like House MD, Medical Investigation and lawyer progs like The Practice and Boston Legal. and not to mention CSI : LA, MI & NY. i love shows that set mi thinking abt stuff thats improtant to the world, not shows abt stupid animals and how they live i mean cmon! wat the hell is that for? absolutely nothing. i love shows that not only set mi thinking but also make mi laugh.

i love to joke ard, and try not to take anything serious, coz if u were to take something serious, the essence of it is gone. life is abt fun man. the whole world, the universe, from the biggest star, to the smallest atom, or part thereof, it is all a joke. and see not many ppl can comprehend.

i am stupid. yea. now dun tell mi shit like ' you're not stupid, just smart in other stuff.' see thats just bull shit. i know almost everything to a 50% extent, i can tell u anything u need to know to a certain extent but i have no in depth knowledge. which is why i m always failing everything. i am a jack of all trades. yet i am absolutely incompetent in all of them.

i am a sponge, and a bloody bad one. i have this uncanny ability to just do wat i need too. but im always at the bottom half. remember basketball. when there were like 10 of us. bla i was 10th.. which was ok coz there were little to compare. but nooo. more fuckers had to come. and make it everyhting a competition. i hate competition. for some reason all u bipeds just wanna excel for either to prove something to urself (rare) or to look down and brag abt it (way way more common). where as for mi? i m the guy whu does the moral support, the team work, the guy whu tries to keep everyone together, in order to have fun, to laugh about it, and to generally just feel good abt themselves, but what happens aft that? they all compare with each other and one guy feels happy and the others, well they dont feel happy do they? why wont everyone just stay together, be friendly, instead of leaving people out over stupid stuff. u know why? coz its all about nuture. every single one of u. ure all hypocrites. i am too but this isnt abt mi, its abt all of u. scenario: you play basketball, and u say 'its for fun, it snot a competition' but no, all the tackles and stuff, and the hardwired 'competition' gene just kicks into action just like that. its just so stupid that everyone is so competitive, and sadly i am always at the losing end.


i absolutely suck when it comes to women. and the best thing is i dont know why. do u know why i am in a science course? coz i absolutely hate approximations. girls either say i m too nice, or not nice enough. coudl u please not say that? could u actually give mi a little indication of what you mean, what u want, and what you need? u cant expect a guy to exactly know this rite? there are 4 criteria that girls look for in a guy.

Looks
Money
Job
Character

So lets infer. Looks wise, im dark, so yea 'blip' its out. money : heck im broke as anything, but i manage to save by and stuff and i can manage anything yet 'blip' out too. job: please dont make mi laugh ' blip'

and now we come to character. ok well soon aft this post is done ud probably just think my character sux and all that but lets just go thru this.

i have low self esteem and morale. i have been rejected by alot of girls. 160 to be exact. now do u know why? i dont. but amazingly they do. heres some
1) Not same religion
2) Not the rite one
3) Just a fren
4) Dun wanna ruin the frenship
5) dun know wat to say and just says no.. cant explain but no
6) too fast
7) too late got somene in mind
8) had a crush on u once, but its gone now [happened only twice]
9) wanna study [ this ended by her getting attached 2 days later]
10) take it slow [got ignored, dunnoe where she went]
11) just different
12) kinda figured that out but u know we cant [ why? still figuring out]
13) and lotsa others!!!!


the best one is still the 'but ure my fren'. ok so this doesnt make sense. if u dont get toggether with someone with your fren, who do u get with?? i mean, it some guy u meet and then u talk and he asks u out and thats history? bla it just contradicts the 'going to fast' reason doenst it? i am always either too early or too late? when is the rite time? i am just fucking sick and tired of being the fren all the way. i just hate this. its always girls always talk to mi when they have nothing to do. and when evening comes ' i go meet bf k thx bye' and im like yea ok ^^ and im like, ok so here i am all alone at home glass in one hand, radio remote on the other listening to yas on class 95 love songs from 9-1 and everyone is coupling around and celebrating love and life. i mean cmon! wat do i need to do or be? and even if i do that, id be living a lie. to thos ein the higher realm, if existant, controlling all of this. u better have a good plan or suicide is the answer

now see. this is the problem, they all have fucking templates. all of them. and sadly i cant fit into any which is very depressing, coz now i dont know wat to do. but people keep saying someone willa ccept mi for who i am. really? id love to see this.

yes suicide. ive had suicidal tendencies since i was 12. i stopped having them during my sec2-4. but when poly started and everyone was being competitive fuckers, it happened agn. so far

1) suicide attempt

2) 1 masochist fun experiment.

i hate life. i simply hate it. girls like mi, but not like like mi. guys, they're all just jerk pushing mi ard. i hate the fact that i help ppl and ll they do is say thank u and bye and no conversation. whats it take to have a decent conversation here man? and girls. if u ever do stupid stuff like call mi a good fren and sum girl will accept mi for whu i am aft u reject mi, i swear upon my very blog i will insult u so bad, ud be leaking everywhere. u got that? better.

i cry alot. i almost cried agn during lecture. but that was because something was eating mi inside, i'll post more about that tomorrow or something. yea. but basically i just hate this all. i hate all of this and lemme tell u. i dun wanna fite it anymore, i just wanna end it.

i have various psychological disorders, like depression, grielf, schizoprenic, OCD, and borderline. im attention seeking, and some guy that just feels bad abt himself all the time but i cant help it. i may be some guy that makes u laugh, but trust mi, i m killin my self in the inside.

i was a geek in sch. when i hear wallace talkin during apel, alot of things hit mi. we both have a lot in common. Both geeks in pri and sec sch. although i had very few frens in both. since pri sch he wanted to be a scientist. and for as long as i can remember, i have always wanted to be a Nuclear Physicist. mm radio active atoms. and we both were quite depressed during poly. but he manged to get out of his rut and hes doin well. whereas mi. i dont know i still bad and i just wanna do something but i dont know wat. ppl keep tellin mi i cant. what if they're rite. :'(

i'll wirte more enxt week or tomorrow. if u actualy see this aft reading all of it. i apprecite the gesture.

bye
[i hate u all. but the ironic thing is that if im gone, all the prblems woul be solved. - Blitz]